Why is Managing Conflict So Important in Divorce?

The short answer? Because divorce shouldn't wreck anyone's mental health or empty their bank account and kids don't deserve to get caught in the crossfire. When clients aren't able to successfully manage the inevitable conflict, they spend time, money and emotional energy on divorce that they could be spending on their new life.

Every divorce is going to involve some level of conflict or disagreement. Dividing marital assets or choosing a parenting schedule requires negotiation and compromise. Whenever we teach a session on conflict, we always include our favorite quote by Max Lucado:

"Conflict is inevitable, combat is optional"

We know that conflict is a normal part of human existence. The notion that conflict can be eliminated is unreal and idealistic. What can be eliminated, though, is behavior that escalates conflict or the violent expression of conflict. When conflict is perceived as a threat rather than an opportunity, there is a direct impact on how people think and behave. 

Impacts of conflict . . .

Most couples have repetitive, unhealthy conflict patterns that have been established throughout their marriage. And those dysfunctional patterns don’t go away during divorce. As a matter of fact, they may become even more problematic when we add in the stress and fear that people experience during divorce. They’re worried about money, about parenting time, about how the process works and if it will be fair. There’s an incredible amount of uncertainty, a significant loss of autonomy, and the decisions they’ll be asked to make have long-lasting consequences.

In order to break those historical patterns and prepare for more effective conflict resolution we must begin where all change begins - with awareness.

Conflict Styles

In 1974, the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model Instrument was introduced.  This tool presents pairs of statements, and then based on the answers provided, respondents can be categorized into five different conflict styles. 

Those 5 styles are: Competing, Avoiding, Accommodating, Compromising, and Collaborating. And they range from passive to assertive and cooperative to uncooperative.

Competing

People with a competing style view interpersonal conflict resolution as a win-lose game. In order for me to win, you have to lose. Competitors are referred to as sharks. They come across as aggressive, autocratic, confrontational and intimidating. A competitive conflict style can be seen and experienced as an attempt to gain power and or pressure a change. 

Avoiding

This style is often associated with the Turtle. As turtles can hide their heads and pretend to not be there. Understandably, dealing with conflict directly can be highly uncomfortable. As such, many people prefer to avoid it. An avoidant conflict style might at first appear to be the opposite of a competitive style, but in fact, it can be similarly obstructive.

Accommodating

Because they defer so often to others, those who adopt an accommodating style can seem agreeable and easygoing - kind of like a Teddy Bear. But when people constantly put others’ needs first and their own needs last, they are liable to experience resentment that builds up over time. 

Compromising

This is the fox. In the compromising style, we try to resolve conflict by proposing seemingly equal compromises, such as meeting in the middle between two extreme positions, or by making a significant compromise just to move forward. Although a compromising conflict style can move a conversation forward, the solution is often unsatisfying and temporary.

Collaborating

Represented by the Wise Owl, those who adopt a collaborative conflict-resolution style tend to work to understand the deeper needs behind other parties’ demands and to express their own needs. They see value in working through strong emotions that come up, and they propose trade offs across issues that will give each side more of what they want.

So, what does all of this mean for divorce?

Understanding conflict styles isn’t just an academic exercise — it’s the foundation for transforming how individuals approach disagreement during divorce. When clients gain awareness of how they naturally respond to conflict, they gain the power to choose a more productive approach.

That’s where a Divorce Coach, trained as an ADR (Alternative Dispute Resolution) professional, becomes indispensable. Through evidence-based frameworks like DCA’s RESOLVE™ Method, coaches help clients identify their default conflict patterns, uncover what’s driving their reactions, and develop new strategies that foster collaboration instead of competition.

This isn’t about making everyone agree. It’s about helping clients build the capacity to stay calm, communicate effectively, and make decisions that serve their long-term goals.

The ADR Difference

At Divorce Coaches Academy, we view every coaching interaction as part of the ADR continuum — not therapy, not advocacy, but a neutral, facilitative process designed to reduce conflict and improve outcomes.

ADR-trained divorce coaches understand that while clients can’t control every aspect of the divorce process, they can control how they engage with it. We teach clients how to manage emotional triggers, prepare for negotiation, and communicate with purpose.

In practice, this might look like:

• Helping a client identify when they’ve slipped into a “shark” or “turtle” response and offering tools to re-center.

• Guiding clients through reframing techniques to move from blame to problem-solving.

• Preparing clients to enter mediation or a legal negotiation with clarity, calm, and strategy — rather than fear and reactivity.

• 
  

When clients learn to navigate conflict this way, they don’t just save money and time — they preserve relationships, protect their children’s emotional wellbeing, and begin building their post-divorce life from a place of confidence and emotional intelligence.

Coaching for Resolution, Not Reaction

Conflict isn’t the enemy; unmanaged conflict is. The goal of divorce coaching, when grounded in ADR principles, is to help clients replace reactivity with reflection and combat with curiosity.

When we can teach clients that how they engage in conflict determines what they experience in divorce, we empower them to lead their process rather than be consumed by it.

Divorce coaching in this context is revolutionary — not because it eliminates conflict, but because it transforms it.

Final Thought

At Divorce Coaches Academy, we’re not just training coaches. We’re cultivating a new generation of divorce resolution professionals — skilled in emotional intelligence, grounded in ADR, and committed to changing how families move through conflict. Because divorce will always be hard, but with the right support, it doesn’t have to be destructive.

“Conflict is inevitable, combat is optional — and resolution is teachable.”