Make An Offer Already: Breaking the Settlement Negotiation Standoff

One of the most common and costly things we see in the divorce process is when neither party wants to make the first settlement offer. This hesitation can extend the divorce timeline by months, dramatically increase legal fees, and intensify emotional trauma. Understanding why people freeze when faced with making the first move is essential for divorce professionals who want to help their clients navigate this challenging terrain effectively.

The primary fear for most individuals is anchoring too low. This negotiation concept refers to how the first number proposed becomes the reference point for all subsequent discussions. Clients worry that if they make the first offer, they might undervalue what they could potentially receive. Behavioral economics research confirms this concern—first offers create powerful anchors that can be difficult to shift away from. However, waiting indefinitely isn't the solution either. Reframing this fear is crucial: making the first offer isn't just about the number—it's about setting the framework for the entire negotiation and emphasizing what matters most to the client. When people understand they can shape the conversation by going first, their perspective often shifts from fear to empowerment.

Emotional readiness presents another significant barrier. Divorce isn't merely a legal process; it's an emotional earthquake. For many clients, making a settlement offer acknowledges the finality of their marriage in a way that feels overwhelming. One client delayed making an offer because it represented the end of her 22-year marriage in a way that felt too permanent. Effective strategies include combining patience with gentle reality testing, helping clients separate the emotional process from the legal necessities, and acknowledging that they can continue grieving while still making practical decisions about their financial future. This approach gives clients permission to process at their own pace while understanding the tangible costs of delay—assets remaining untouchable, debt accruing, and expenses mounting.

Information asymmetry creates legitimate hesitation, particularly in marriages where one partner managed most finances. Making settlement offers without complete financial information can lead to regrettable decisions. Divorce professionals can add tremendous value by helping clients organize financial documents, connecting them with financial experts, and explaining the discovery process's built-in safeguards. While complete certainty is rarely possible, sufficient information to make informed decisions is achievable. The distinction between "perfect" and "sufficient" information can help clients move forward without getting stuck in an endless quest for every detail.

Perhaps the most problematic reason for hesitation is strategic positioning—the belief that making the first offer might reveal too much and weaken negotiating leverage. When both parties adopt this stance simultaneously, the situation can devolve into a destructive waiting game. What begins as strategic positioning transforms into a costly war of attrition. As time passes, positions typically harden rather than soften, and the dispute escalates from a practical problem-solving exercise into something deeply adversarial. The psychological dynamic becomes fascinating: after a certain point, the standoff itself becomes the central issue, with each side interpreting the other's hesitation as bad faith. Simply naming and discussing this dynamic can break its spell. Reframing making the first offer as a position of strength—controlling the narrative and setting the agenda—can help clients reconsider their hesitation.

Fear of finality and regret represents another psychological barrier. Making a settlement proposal makes the divorce real in a new way, triggering intense doubt and anxiety. Clients may be intellectually ready to settle but emotionally paralyzed by questions about potential future regrets. Working with clients to distinguish between reasonable caution and paralyzing perfectionism is helpful. Visualization exercises that help clients imagine their post-divorce life under different settlement scenarios can make abstract financial decisions more emotionally accessible. Identifying core values and priorities allows clients to evaluate potential settlements against meaningful criteria rather than getting lost in endless "what-ifs."

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